If you have ever had people over to your house -- be it for dinner, a BYOB bash, or the entire weekend -- you have had the educational experience of having welcomed terrible guests into your home. This is a truth as universal and uncontested as the sun's appearance each morning.

This is not to say that people go out of their way to disappoint you while you are trying to be kind to them. Most of them are unaware that they are making your life a fresh and living hell. They are simply being themselves, uninhibited and free. This lackadaisical approach is certainly well-suited to those occasions when one is standing in front of the open freezer, clad only in a bathrobe, eating ice cream straight from the carton. However, being a guest carries with it a few social requirements (see list below).

I have terrible guest stories that would curl your toenails. This is not to say that I dislike guests who are less than perfect -- far from it. I may be alone in my appreciation, but I advocate the presence of terrible guests at any occasion. They make for wonderful gossip later, and there is a pleasing contrast in comparing their shocking and ill-bred behavior to your own exemplary comportment. This is a surefire way to feel instantly virtuous.

My husband tells me that once upon a time, one of his sisters brought a date to a family supper. My mother-in-law, who is a fine cook, had no doubt prepared a superlative meal. The crowning touch was an English trifle she had made for dessert. The entire family fell to, loudly proclaiming the tastiness of the trifle, when into this convivial atmosphere was dropped the stone of discontent. The beau offered the following assessment: "Well, it's good, but it's not quite authentic." His dank comment has remained a family joke to this day, long after his departure from their ranks.

Years later, my husband and I gave our first party together. A guest who shall remain unnamed consumed such a quantity of little ladylike mixed drinks that, in making her way to the bathroom, she fell quite noisily up the stairs -- a feat I have yet to see recreated. We chewed on that for weeks afterward.

Another incident whose luster has remained undimmed by passing years took place when a friend of a friend joined us for dinner. This person, who was only slightly known to us, freely expressed his negative opinion of the food and proceeded to top off the evening by repairing to the living room, unexcused (the rest of us were still eating and visiting) and turning on the television at top volume.

At the reception following a family funeral some years ago, my mother happened to find a husband and wife who were barely acquaintances of ours wandering around the second and third floors of our house. She was shocked that they would make themselves so at home -- peeking into bedrooms, picking up knickknacks on bureaus, and so on. They defended themselves by saying, "We always heard this was a beautiful house." No problem! Help yourselves! Can we show you the closets as well, and the bathrooms? Don't let our grief get in the way of your self-guided tour!

Then there was the time that a friend brought a date to one of our parties. The Date from Hell (as we still refer to her) swept into our home wearing a rather alarming shade of lipstick and a very chic brown tweed suit with fake fur cuffs and collar -- shaming me, her hostess, who was comfortably attired in jeans and a sweater.

The Date appeared, at first, to be very shy, and I felt that it was my duty to draw her out and make her feel comfortable. Little did I know that behind her apparent rectitude lay an amazing ability to talk extensively on many topics and well on nary a one. She simply waited until people approached her, and then ensnared them in a web of ceaseless discussion about nothing at all.

The undeniable highlight of that particular evening was when The Date heatedly disputed the childhood memory of another guest. This despite the fact that they had met each other approximately ten minutes earlier and The Date had no idea whether or not the memory was accurate. It was fascinating to watch this conversation degenerate into an elaborately polite, subtly bitter exchange. It reminded me of the wonderful Edith Wharton line from The Age of Innocence: "[She had an] air of wishing to put forth something conciliatory when she knew that she was planting a dart."

And so, in hopes of encouraging more harmonious relations between hosts and guests, I close with the following wee primer for guests.

- In Europe, you would be considered rude if you showed up on time for dinner -- fashionably late is the rule. In America, however, you should make the effort to arrive no later than fifteen minutes after the time for which you were invited. If you will be delayed longer than this, call and let your hosts know.

- By all means, never arrive early. It makes people nervous. One fine evening, a dinner guest of ours arrived over half an hour early. I happened at the time of his arrival to be downstairs in the kitchen, wearing -- um -- not a whole lot (I'd just gotten out of the shower and had dashed down to check on dinner before getting dressed). The events that followed are hilarious in retrospect, but I was not laughing at the time!

- When offered a drink, listen to the choices. Do not request something that hasn't been offered (unless it's simply water). The same applies to the food.

- If you want to bring a small gift to your hosts -- a classy move, to be much applauded -- avoid bringing flowers unless it's a very small party or you've been specifically asked to provide them. Flowers require immediate attention at a time when your hosts have sundry other tasks to attend to, including greeting their other guests.

- Be kind -- or civil, at least -- to pets or children belonging to your hosts.

- Do not turn on the television or stereo unless you've been asked to do so. If music is already playing, do not wonder aloud, "Who put this stuff on?" or ask to replace it with something more to your liking.

- Say thank you and goodbye to each of your hosts at the end of the evening. If you are brimming over with the spirit of etiquette, you can even write them a short thank-you note or call and thank them again a few days later. At the very, very least, an e-mail thanking them again is a minimal recognition of their effort to include you in their merriment and ply you with good food and drink. Your hosts will remember your effort, and will be grateful for it. What's more, they may even invite you back again someday.

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