Considering that there are, oh, I don't know, about ten thousand cooking programs on television these days, I guess I should have clued in to the fact that people like to watch stuff having to do with food. Still, I've never watched any of these programs myself, and so I guess I'm a cooking program novice.

Writing about food is the name of the game for me, and what I enjoy doing best. So when a television station about 40 minutes away recently called to ask if they could interview me, I was a little apprehensive. I'm great on paper, but television -- "Yikes!" perhaps best describes my reaction. At any rate, I decided to take the plunge. Here's how it went.

Early April:

Rich Morgan, anchor at WKBN (Channel 27, Youngstown, Ohio) calls me out of the blue and tells me he read the essay and menu I wrote for COUNTRY HOME magazine's May 1999 issue. He has the most amazingly rich voice I've ever heard, and I find it difficult to concentrate on what he's saying because I'm so enjoying the voice itself. Still, I finally figure out that he wants to come interview me since this is in WKBN's broadcast range and my being in a national magazine would be of interest to local folks.

I tell him that I have two small kids (Henry, then 5, and Lillian, then 2) and that I can't always get a babysitter during the day. He laughs and says they can be in the segments, too. I say OK as though I think that's a fine idea, and promptly call my sister Sarah to ask her to take the kids on April 23rd, the day Rich and I agree on. No way are they going to be involved. Too much possibility of culinary disaster.

Along with directions to our house, I send Rich a letter asking for info: does he want me to cook on-camera? What does he want me to cook? Is this just to be an interview? Details, please!

Mid-April:

Rich Morgan calls me back and says they would like me to cook, and in fact, will probably edit the piece so that it will become two separate two- to three-minute segments. This gives me the willies. What am I going to make?

April 20th:

Rich Morgan and a cameraman are coming to our house in a matter of days to interview me and film me cooking and I am clueless, clueless, clueless. I am so devoid of clue it's pitiful. What am I going to make? What am I going to make? Can I lose ten pounds in the next three days so that I am slim and gorgeous on-camera? Doubtful. I decide to make chocolate mousse and chocolate truffles, both of which are things most people consider difficult to make, and both of which are actually very easy. I double-check what I already have in the house and make a list of ingredients I'll need.

April 22nd:

There's nothing like the threat of a camera crew coming to show you how truly filthy your kitchen is. I clean the kitchen like crazy and step back and look and then clean some more. I find some disturbingly antique cobwebs up over one of the cupboards. I vacuum on top of the cupboards, something I've only done once before in my entire life. I won't tell you what I found there besides cobwebs, but suffice it to say that the former residents of the cobwebs have not had what could be called proper funerals.

In shopping for the ingredients, I stop at a grocery store I'm not very familiar with. I panic when I can't find buttermilk anywhere. Turns out they keep it over with the butter instead of with the milk. Privately, I decide that this is ridiculous, but mostly I am relieved to have the buttermilk in hand.

I make the ganache filling for the chocolate truffles. Now all I have to do is hope that it doesn't rain tomorrow so that the chocolate will temper properly and not look all blotchy and streaked. I decide to go watch the Weather Channel, which cheerfully informs me that lots of rain is expected tomorrow. Too late to decide on another recipe, so I just hope against hope that the chocolate will temper anyway.

April 23rd - D-DAY!

7:15 AM

Rich Morgan and the camera guy are due here in less than 3 hours. It's the day of, and I'm still cleaning. I have decided that the kitchen windows need to be Windexed, but the plain fact of the matter is that it ain't gonna happen because I'm trying to get Henry ready for school. I pick up his lunch bag, a nylon number with a Velcro patch to keep it closed. I open it up, and at least a dozen black ants spill out of it. Great, I think as I frantically stomp the scattered ants, I'm about to be filmed cooking and I have a filthy, insect-ridden, disease-bearing kitchen! I had forgotten to empty Henry's lunch bag from the day before. The ants had been enjoying their little party with the small piece of apple that was left in the bag. Yuk.

I wash my hands, clean out the lunch bag, dispose of the limp ant corpses, wash my hands again, Windex everything in sight, and wash my hands again. Two-year old Lillian watches all this in grave silence. "Why no like ants, Mama?" she inquires.

8:30 AM

I take Henry to school and drop Lillian at my sister's house. My sister asks gently if I'm going to "wear that." I'm wearing a torn Nags Head, North Carolina T-shirt I've owned for 22 years and a pair of jeans. My hair is sticking up at odd angles and I have, in point of fact, not even brushed my teeth yet. I tell her that I do plan to shower and beautify myself before being committed forever to film. I come home and worry all through the shower about what to wear.

9:00 AM

I'm clean and fresh and dressed simply in black pants and a white sweater. I read somewhere that you shouldn't wear patterns on television, so I'm sticking with the basics. I debate the jewelry issue and finally pop in a small pair of earrings and no necklace.

9:30 AM

Last sweep through the kitchen and everything looks ready. I put the buttermilk and chocolate on the stove to melt for the chocolate mousse.

10:05 AM

They're here. The cameraman turns out to live quite near here, and to have graduated from our local high school a couple of years before my sister! Small world. There's lots of chitchat and it's very relaxed. I tell them what I've planned to make and we get started.

10:30 AM

Anthony, the cameraman, has me explain things as I'm doing them. I'm actually sort of used to doing this from cooking with Henry and Lillian, so I feel fairly relaxed. He wants me to tilt the mixing bowl towards the camera so that he can film me folding the egg whites and whipped cream into the chocolate mixture for the mousse. I tell him I am concerned about getting chocolate mousse on his lens, but he tells me not to worry.

10:45 AM

Now we're doing the non-cooking interview portion of the taping. Rich and Anthony work out how Rich will walk into the room and where he will sit. I am asked to stand behind the counter. This is fine with me, as I'd prefer to be filmed from the waist up anyway. They begin filming. Rich sits at the counter, holding up a copy of the May 1999 COUNTRY HOME, and starts to ask me questions about it. I respond to two or three and finally, after realizing my eyes are darting back and forth between him and the camera, ask for a break. I ask where I'm supposed to look. Rich says to look at him. I look down instead and see a lone ant.

11:00 AM

It's time to make the chocolate truffles. I am tempering the chocolate (melting it in such a way that when it cools it will maintain its glossy appearance) in the microwave and explaining the process as I go. The microwave door swings sort of abruptly, which I forget to warn Anthony about. It almost bonks his camera as I open it to remove the partially-melted chocolate. I don't see the ant anymore, but I know he's there somewhere. Killing the ant becomes more important than successfully tempering the chocolate.

11:05 AM

I spy the ant! I stomp him discreetly. I don't think they saw.

11:10 AM

After having dipped half a dozen or so truffles, we're done. Rich says he thinks they got everything they need. I have survived, and actually, it wasn't too bad. I make a mental note to buy ant traps.

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